I SAW IT COMING

It had been more than 15 years since we’d brought the little guy into our home, getting him from the county shelter. We learned from our first visit to the veterinary office that he was probably about one year old based on his teeth and the fact that he appeared to be fully grown. And based on my internet research the Miniature Pinscher/Chihuahua mix breed, Sam had a life expectancy of 12-17 years.

As we approached Sam’s 16^th year of life, I realized he was probably nearing the end and I began to pray that God would help me through the difficult times ahead. Almost more than anything else I wanted to be sure I was with him when he passed away. I couldn’t bear the thought of my little constant companion dying alone.

My husband and I travel a lot and I was concerned that Sam would die at a time when we were gone. The thought made me so very sad. In December of 2016 we took a family trip to Hawaii for 10 days. I held my breath, hoping all was well with Sam while we were gone. We returned home on December 24 to a mature dog who had great difficulty reacclimating to his life in our home (he had been with the pet sitter for the 10 days of our absence). I thought for sure we were going to lose him on Christmas Day but I prayed a lot and asked God to be with us. We made it through the end of the year and Sam rallied after being in his own environment. As we began 2017 I noticed that Sam struggled more and more each day.

He no longer wanted to walk the neighborhood. His eyesight was nearly gone as was his hearing. He could no longer use his little doggie door to get outside so I began putting him out to do his business. He could no longer chew nor digest his regular kibble so I began giving him soft food.

During the month of January, I was terribly sad and didn’t quite know how to handle the transition we were experiencing. A very good friend suggested that I just enjoy each day with Sam and at the end of the day thank God for the time I had and hope for another day. So that is what we did. We enjoyed each day together. I began praying that God would take my little furry friend, perhaps in his sleep, so he wouldn’t suffer any longer and I wouldn’t have to make any horrible decisions.

At the beginning of February, my husband went on a 12 day trip. During that time, I felt like it was Sam’s time so I made an appointment with the vet. I labored over the appointment for a week, scheduling and cancelling several times. I continued to pray, asking God to take care of this situation for me. As the appointment drew ever near, I asked God for a sign. I wanted to be sure I was making the right decision. The three days leading up to the appointment all I could do was frown and cry.

My husband was out of the country so we had very limited communication. I kept asking God for a sign. Sam and I got in the car and I cried the whole way to the vet's office. We arrived a few minutes early so we sat in the car for a last few precious moments to be together. As I was getting ready to go inside the office, my husband called, from the Philippines, to check in. He asked why I’d made the decision and if it was really time. As I sat there talking with my husband, I realized this was the sign I’d been asking for. God had intervened and had my husband call within minutes of me walking into the vet’s office.

I went into the office out of respect for the doctor, since I’d made an appointment but I knew that it was not going to be the day I put our little man down. The vet came in and reached for Sam. He snipped at her, which he never did, and she told me that the day was definitely not Sam’s last, that he was clearly not ready to go. I shared my concerns with her, how I’d heard horror stories of people letting their pets go too long and I did not want to make Sam suffer. She said that it was better to wait too long than not long enough and told me to take Sam home and enjoy him for a bit longer. I cannot tell you how happy that made me. We nearly skipped out of the office in glee. I’m pretty sure Sam knew what had just transpired and he was as happy as I was.

We were able to enjoy Sam for another seven weeks, all the while I prayed that God would intervene. “God, please take this burden from me. Please take my little man so I don’t have to make the decision. I don’t want to make this decision.” I believe God answered me in a very strong and clear manner. His answer was “No, my dear child. I will not take this burden from you. I put Sam in your life 16 years ago. He has brought you much joy. You have benefited from his little life and he has given you his whole life. Now it is time for you to give back to him. You need to walk this journey. I will not make this easy for you but I will not leave your side. I will be with you through the pain and sorrow.”

And so it was. Scott and I enjoyed almost two more months with Sam and I relished every day. I learned how to care, both physically and emotionally, for a senior dog. I learned how to set my own selfish desires aside and be present for my little man who’d given so much. I learned to be a big girl and deal with big girl stuff.

The day of the appointment was one of the most difficult moments I’ve had. I could barely fathom what life would be like walking out of the office without Sam and yet I knew we’d made the right decision. He was ready to go. He gave no resistance. He was at peace and because of the journey I’d just walked, so was I. While I felt horribly sad about the end result, I felt peace. I knew it was time and I knew we’d made the best decision for Sam.

Even to this day, 15 months later, I am still very sad that my constant companion is gone. He remains fully lodged in my heart and I miss him on a daily basis. However, my resolve about our decision remains strong. I know we made the right choice. I know Sam's time had come. I know God was with me through every step of the process. I know it is okay.

Flirting with Mom

"Hey, mom!"

Sleeping Beauty

Using his new bed as a pillow

I was being shunned

Sporting a sweater

With BFF Wrigley

Sam loved watermelon

What a handsome boy!

Sunning with BFF

Loved my boy!